Creating “legacies” can be as unique as the individual
who is leaving or has left us. Earlier in 2014, I visited with a patient who
was dying of renal medullary carcinoma, a rare cancer associated with the
sickle cell trait. After being told of his diagnosis, he knew he would die
within 3 months and was planning to transition to palliative care. The then-34-year-old
became very depressed and felt his life was being cut short, at a time when he
was just starting to live. He was referred to me and it was suggested that I do
a hand print or thumbprint craft with him to leave for his two young children. Because
he was a young African-American man, I held off on the activity. Sometimes, in
our culture, fingerprinting may be perceived or related to a negative
experience. And not knowing his history, I wanted to speak with him first.
At our initial meeting, he revealed his fascination
with tattoos and expressed an interest in getting a new tattoo. He showed me 32 tattoos he already had and asked if I could help design a new one for him. I had learned that
he was refusing to see his children, so I suggested that he make a scrapbook of
photos of his tattoos for his children. Whether he was going to be cremated or
buried, the tattoos are a part of him that they wouldn’t be able to keep. He
agreed and allowed me to photograph each one.
During this process, he
enthusiastically told me about each tattoo, including tattoos of his children’s
names and a tattoo of a representation of Jesus Christ, of whom we talked about
things Jesus had done before his early death. I got the prints and scrapbook supplies to him the next day, which happened to be his 35th birthday. Although
his children were not present, several other family members were able to participate
in helping him put the book together and celebrate his birthday. With his
direction, the book was completed. He had placed the tattoo photos in
chronological order, wrote short messages about the tattoos and included quotes
and scriptures for his children to read. He died two days later.
This is an example of personalizing the memory-making
activity. Going that extra step will leave something even more meaningful for a
family. Years later, this book will tell his story about things in life that
were important to him through one of his favorite pastimes. His family also
will have those last shared memories of creating together that they can reflect on during their grieving process.
How wonderful that you were able to help him give this gift to his children. I am sure that they will cherish it.
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